goodbye

Today is my last day in the state of Maryland. Tomorrow I leave for Erie, PA. This week has been very hard. Every person I've seen has looked at me with tears in their eyes (or falling down their face) and very softly said: "goodbye". When you have lived in the same state since you were two, when you have attended the same church since you were two, when you have home-schooled from pre-school through tenth grade and when you have attended a very small private school for the last two years of school, this repeated experience is truly heart wrenching. Each one of these people has known me very personally and has had a very strong impact upon my life on a very frequent (as in: multiple times per week) basis. Living in a close-knit family of seven also means that I have always done everything with my family. We eat most of our meals together. I usually help at least two people get dressed in the morning (in matching clothes). We all go to each other sports games (or ballet performances). We take all of our trips as a family. I also have a very personal relationship with each of my siblings. Not being able to see and interact with each one of them on a daily basis is going to very hard. In short, going to college is going to change my life completely. For the first time in my life I will only have to tend to myself and for the first time in my life I will be living on my own and I will be in charge of myself. I'm about to embark on a very new adventure and I'm excited to see all the new things that the Lord will be teaching me and that he will be teaching my friends and family in this new season of our lives.

forever

So it's been quite a while...spending the summer without a lap top was a stressful and frustrating growing experience for me...anyway, finally on to another blog post...

"We will be in love forever..."
 This is a line from Sleeping Beauty's love song (I've been babysitting all summer) and it's echoed everywhere. There is something enchantingly beautiful about an eternal love. We long for it, we dream of it, we fantasize about it. It seems enchanting because it seems a bit impossible, something for only our dreams and fantasies. We are afraid to speak of it because we are afraid we will realize how absurd we sound and we will just be in need of another reality check. We know we can never love perfectly or eternally because we are corrupted by sin. We know we cannot expect it out of any other person for the very same reason. However, we need to look further still. Our greatest love cannot be found on earth. The only love that is perfect in every way is a love we cannot possibly return, but with which we can forever live in fellowship. The love we truly long for isn't anything like Prince Philip. He was created in the image of this love, but he pales in comparison. Our hearts, our inner longings, will only truly be satisfied with the perfect, eternal love of Christ.

tears

Tears have been streaming down my face for hours. Today was definitely the hardest "last day" I had to experience as a high school senior. I have moved to a new house and I have met new, and said goodbye to old, teachers and students throughout all of middle school and high school, but almost every single day, I have gone to the dance studios at Milstead. More of my life has been spent in those studios than anywhere else. Dance has been my constant, and even though I'll never stop dancing, I will no longer be with the students and teachers and mothers and friends I have grown up with. The various ages and levels and positions of people that make up my little ballet studio in Harford County have been a second family to me for eight years. I have made many irreplaceable friends in many places, but there's something different about the people you have danced with. You have a different connection with them than you will ever have other people. They understand your unexplainable connection to an art form that can never truly be documented. Each performance fades into the theatre never to be seen again. Video recordings will never convey the sweat, the blood, the tears, the emotional and physical stress and joy that make a ballet performance the beatifully breathtaking art that it is. Thank you to all the teachers and dancers that have made my dance experiences as amazing as they were. I'll be back as soon as I can...

prayer

"..for prayer is communion with a transcendent and immanent God who on the ground of his nature and attributes calls forth all the powers of the redeemed soul in acts of total adoration and dedication." ~Arthur Bennett 

communion- "fellowship; a state of giving and receiving" ~Noah Webster, 1828 dictionary 

transcendent- "[L. transcendens.] very excellent; superior or supreme in excellence; surpassing others" ~Noah Webster, 1828 dictionary 

immanent- "[L. in and manens, maneo, to abide.] inherent; intrinsic; internal" ~Noah Webster, 1828 dictionary

on the ground of his nature and attributes- because of who he is 

total- "[L. totalis, totus.] whole; full; complete/ whole; not divided" ~Noah Webster, 1828 dictionary

acts of total adoration and dedication- acts of service out of love 

God requires all of me to be fully and completely devoted to him. Prayer should not become part of my day, like eating or going to ballet, but must instead envelop my day. 

"I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me." ~C.S. Lewis 

tonight

"Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, 

in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways.

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain 

he did not recycle to bring me gain.

I can't remember one single regret

in serving God only and trusting his hand.

This is my anthem, this is my song,

the theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end."

~Sara Groves

Two of my dearest and most inspirational friends sang this song a few months ago when our school's beloved headmaster left to pursue a new path in serving the Lord. I had heard the song before, but it definitely left a more meaningful impact on me when I heard it that morning. During the few months since then, this song has become the anthem of this season of my life. It's been a rough year. My family has been overworked and stressed on a daily basis. However, it has been a good year. It's been good for many reasons, but mainly because God has been faithful. Each step I felt that I couldn't take, God was there providing in miraculous ways. From things like finding a ride home from school to things receiving large scholarships to multiple colleges, God has provided each step of the way. And now, I'm about to pursue a new path in my own life. Tonight I graduate from high school. I can hardly believe that I've been a senior all year, let alone grasp the fact that I'm graduating this very evening. Yet, through all the big transitions I'm about to make, I can trust God's faithfulness. 
God has been faithful, he will be again. 

pressed

I would like to share an absolutely beautiful piece of writing I read today...
"I used to be a pianist.  Growing up I sat on the hard bench for hours each day.  The pads of each fingertip pressing into the ebony and pearl-like bars.  Just like a bar of gold holds worth so these bars hold worth of another kind.  Each reverberating tone is a voice.  My ears delight to hear the keys sing and praise as my fingers dance over them.  I’m transported to another world.  Loveliness that only comes from being pressed yet not broken.  We are all pressed at times.  Pushed and even pounded.  If we are willing it can produce a melody so beautiful that tears are the only perfect words for the soul.  An outpouring of praise.  A building crescendo that is a beauty so pristine yet it can only come through being touched.  Sometimes through pain.  Each persons life is one of those keys.  A voice.  Being played by the Master Composer. " ~Miss Elaini, http://misselainious.com/ 

To continue this thought: Our lives are being played by the Master Composer to bring Him glory. Sometimes joy and prosperity will bring that glory and other times it will be sadness and pain. We will never know, but He does...We just need to keep letting ourselves be played for His glory. 

love

In keeping with the theme of my last post, I would like to share something I read on thesweetersong's tumbler. I don't know this girl personally, but I wish I did. She has the some of the most true, good and beautiful convictions I have ever come across and she has such an eloquent way of sharing them. 

With each day l have found more and more satisfaction in Jesus, the more the people around me grow discontent.  They question, “Is she afraid of being hurt?” “Does she even have desires or cravings for love?” And the latest, “Is she a lesbian?”

When it comes to dating and relationships, very few people grasp the fact that I am diffidently waiting. My sister has been trying (and very unsuccessfully) to match me up with any single male acquaintance she knows. I have had suggestions so incomparable, I could only snicker at the proposal. If she invites me to a night out now, l often have to evil glare at her, raise my eyebrows and ask, “What’s the catch? Or rather, who’?’

Humour aside. I truly believe that the Lord has put me in this beautiful season to focus on Him, and Him alone. He is teaching me what true love is honestly all about, and I can tell you that it is definitely not found in a moment‘s sultry kiss shared between two lovers. I can tell you that it goes beyond hormonal urges, or any desire spurred out of lust. Possibly the greatest lessons I have had to learn is that love goes beyond any emotion, or heated feeling.

Standards are a dying beauty in this world. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s worth tears of anguish over. Yet, this is what sets apart a woman eager to serve her King. Her standards. Her modesty. Her unwillingness to pursue the male, even if it seems like she is missing out on “great” catches.

Standards are what He has been building since I handed my life story over for Him to write. My sister‘s casual suggestions for suitors can be lovely men, but they aren‘t exactly what I want. In fact, they are worlds apart, simply because they miss the mark on the highest standard I have.

See, ever since He has been showing me what love is about, the more I have been falling drastically in love with Him. His love is so selfless, and radically different to the world’s views on such a notion. It’s hard to compete with. His love is pure, and filled with tenderness. It goes beyond emotional passion, and yet, it is the most passionate I have ever experienced. It’s transformed my very desire of what I want in a man; A future spouse. So what do I want?

I want a man that has his heart set on one thing; To most ardently desire to be a reflection of Jesus. I want him to care about little else. I don’t even want to be a close second in his heart, for the love I want him to have for our King will be endless. He will scream masculinity. He will know his place as a man. Simply put, I want a man with the courage to love. No hesitation. No uncertainty of where his feelings for me lie, for they lie at the foot of the Cross.

If this means I never encounter such a man, and I remain this mortal life forever single, then let it be so. Singleness is such a beautiful He gives some of us, despite what the secular and even Christian world says. Jesus is my portion, and He is revealing Himself to me more and more on this journey I walk. He is silencing my cravings. He is becoming more than enough. His love could quench a lifetime of fulfillment, and beyond. My standards for a man are high...

But I will not settle for anything less. 

Breathtaking, right? When my mom first shared with me years ago that a marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, I honestly thought it was the craziest thing that I had ever heard. However, Christ has continued to shape my understanding and I now can't think of anything more beautiful. Christ-like love is the most pure love and a Christ-centered relationship is the most pure kind relationship simply because it's not about us. It's about Him.